The room is a thriving party full of many varied people. They are all young twenty something mingling and talking and generally having a good what-for. Our first protagonist emerges from the group and stands front stage. He is dressed not unlike the others in the room-- maybe just a month or two out of style (if that can be relayed). Our character is Eddie Carver.
Eddie: You see those people back there? With that youthful swagger and devil may care confidence; they are everything I am not. Or rather I am everything they are not. They are all shallow, pointless, and utterly useless people. They are completely dateable too by the way.
(Eddie now shuffles about a little not wanting to make this confession)
I don’t listen to ring tone era rap music, and I don’t sit on spinning rims. I wear my clothes more than once and I don’t know a damn thing about which wine goes with which meal. Honestly…I’m wearing a Spiderman t-shirt.
(He opens his button down shirt to reveal, indeed a Spiderman shirt)
I’ll tell you one thing about all of these clowns in here. I’d totally pwn them in Call of Duty online. But these noobs get laid left and right. So I guess I fail. I fail hard.
(Pause)
But I don’t get it. Don’t these girl realize that these men are liars? Every vile thing coming out of their mouth is false sincerity wrapped in rape pills and flashy chains.
Look at this…
(Focus shifts to the party)
Goon: Hey baby, I noticed you noticing me from across the room. Rule number one – when you notice the notice you have to take notice of the one who took notice. You know this?
Girl: huh?
Goon: You have beautiful eyes. I saw them from over there.
Girl: Oh that’s so sweet. Buy me a drink?
(Focus back to Eddie)
Eddie: I mean, I don’t have Pulitzer winning icebreakers like that, but I can get a conversation going. I just can’t ever get the kill. It’s like such a narrow space of opportunity. You’d think I could do it, I mean I used to nail womprats in my t-16 back home and they’re not much bigger than two meters…
Now Eddie slips back into the party and is talking to the same girl who seems reasonably interested in him. She’s not falling down drunk, but has clearly had a few. Our hero is nursing a beer.
Girl: So then I found out while he was talking to me he was texting her. So when I saw her I was totally like I told her, its like I’m not gonna tell you what’s up unless you tell me. You know?
Eddie: Yeah, I think so…
Girl: And so she says to me you know its like he’s just a womanizer. You know like that song Womanizer by Britney Spears? Its like womanizer you’re a womanizer. That’s him. Its like so him.
Eddie: That’s deep…
Girl: I know! Gawd, its like theses nothing worse than like a womanizer you know?
Eddie: Well yeah I suppose. (Aside) I mean besides cancer and poverty and war. (To her) Its what kept Green Arrow from being with the Black Canary for so long…
Girl: Yeah totally…what? What are you talking about? Are those rappers or something?
Eddie: (Aside) You see this is the sort of thing that happens to me. Just a slip of the nerd and they’re thrown off. I might as well have worn suspenders. Let me try to salvage this. (To girl) No, um, never mind that.
Girl: What you think I don’t know things? I’ll tell you about things!
(She points and spills her drink on him)
Oops.
Eddie: No don’t worry about it. I have a napkin.
Girl: No, don’t be ridiculous take that thing off its soaked.
(She rips the shirt off of him revealing the Spider-Man t-shirt underneath)
Eddie: mmm. Uhh…
Girl: Oh. I’ll be right back.
(She leaves)
(Eddie now comes back to the front as the party fades with his shirt in his hand)
Eddie: That’s the way it goes. I mean I was tentatively holding on. I might have gotten a number but it was that slip of the nerd. Never fails. Look what happened later in the night…
(Focus shifts to the Goon Neanderthal carrying the girl away)
Girl: You are getting so laid tonight!
Goon: And then I’ll never call you again!
Girl: It’s a deal!
(Back to Eddie)
Eddie: Statistically speaking there is going to be a margin of people out there who never experience happiness. Classical human happiness; not holy shit I just glitched Super Mario Brothers 3 by accident happiness: relationship happiness. Say its 10 people. 9 out of ten get to be happy once in their miserable little lives. I’m the one who glitches Super Mario 3. Prince Valiant gets a kiss and becomes a prince…more flies for me. Brittney Spears writes songs about him, Weird Al scores my life. Alice in Chains feeds my insides, but I won’t do the drugs to feel it all the way.
(Another character bursts out from them crowd. A friend of Eddies—Borg. Borg is completely inept. He’s at this party wearing a Star Trek Next Generation t-shirt creased jeans and socks with sandals)
Borg: You talking to yourself again?
Eddie: Yes, Borg. I was just debating why even though I have no social aptitude I resist doing drugs.
Borg: Resistance is futile.
Eddie: Yeah ok. Any luck with the ladies?
Borg: Of course! Their resistance is…
Eddie: Yes, futile. I get it. (Aside) Borg got laid once in his miserable life and he never lets anyone forget it. He was at San Diego Comicon in 2004 and got into this conversation with some chick dressed like a Klingon and got laid off of some stupid Picard is better than Kirk conversation. I wouldn’t even believe it if I hadn’t been there to see it. Not the nasty Klingon sex, but I mean... I was at the Comicon.
Borg: Remember chicks dig Picard. That’s all you gotta tell them man. Picard is so better than Kirk. They love political shit like that. You gotta take me advice man. You wanna die a virgin?
Eddie: Whatever, (aside) I hate it that he ever got laid.
(At this time focus shifts off of Eddie and onto Borg who is talking to girl 2. Girl 2 is desperately trying to escape.)
Borg: Baby girl, anyone ever tell you that you have Wonder Woman’s body and Captain Janeway’s soul?
Girl 2: Umm. No. Thanks. And no thanks.
Borg: I heard you the first time around sweetie. So what’s a fine looking thing like you doing here by yourself?
Girl 2: Actually I’m not. I’m waiting for someone.
Borg: And I have arrived! Maybe you’ll let me pet your tribble later?
(Girl 2 throws her drink in Borg’s face)
Girl 2: Get lost creep! I don’t even know what that means!
(She storms off)
Borg: Fine then! I was only talking to you out of pity anyway!
(Eddie walks over)
Eddie: Smooth. You’re like James Bond or something.
Borg: She wasn’t worth my excellence. I was just biding my time until something better came along.
Eddie: And all you’ve got is me.
Borg: Bros before hoes dude.
Eddie: Yeah, I guess so. Even if by default.
(End Scene 1)
